What’s that sound, like a hog snorting slimy truffles?
Chill out, it’s just the new housemate leaving throat oysters in the sink, she’s allergic to dogs.
Hmm, strange that she would move into a house with people who own a dog.
Well, it’s a simple mistake.
What’s this brown discoloration resting ominously in the Toilet bowl?
Oh, not to worry, it’s just an accumulation of the new housemate’s shit. She neglected to flush the toilet or buy toilet paper over several weeks while we were holidaying abroad.
Hey, has anyone seen the cinnamon, 5 spice, paprika, cumin, bay leaves, honey, olive oil, washing powder, books concerning feminine empowerment, blankets, bean bag, electric heater, MILO?!!
Shhhh, it’s ok. The new housemate has all of those things and more of our belongings in her room.
Ahh, time for a nice hot shower, say, did half a college football team come through our bathroom in the night and use all the dry towels?
No, No…come on, be serious. The new housemate needed to use a fresh towel every day this week. No big deal.
Well ok then, I’ll grab one from the clothesline.
Um, you won’t find one.
WHAT? You mean she hasn’t washed a single towel.
Well, you see, they’re not really her towels so why would she feel the need to wash them?
Mmmm, this hot pot is going to be delicious. I’ll pop some in the fridge for later.
Oh dear, there’s not going to be enough room I’m afraid.
How’s that? We’ve got a whole shelf to use.
Well, the new housemate made a big batch of vomit flavored curry last night with the guy she’s fucking, AND there is still three tubs of her decayed food stuffs in the fridge. That might have something to do with taking up a bit of space.
Is she still sleeping with that guy? He seemed quite nice though?
Well he’s still got a car and takes her to the supermarket and various other places, so yeah; she’s still sleeping with him.
What about her boyfriend back in New York?
Well, she can’t exactly benefit from HIS car while its in America now can she?
What’s with the chair in the dining room? I brushed past it and it fell apart!
Don’t get hysterical. The new housemate must have broken it and propped it up as it nothing happened.
That’s kinda fucked!
Nooo, I guess she was embarrassed about breaking it.
But someone could sit on it and really hurt himself or herself…
No harm done.
Oh my god!! Why is the bathroom covered in wild streaks of human blood?!
Oh yeah, I sharpened a leg from that broken chair and stabbed the new housemate in the neck four times.
Oh, well do you think that was necessary?
Well, she wasn’t dead after three stabs so I gave her another one just to be sure.
Dedicated to Lana S******; one incredibly self-focused, inconsiderate, itchy, human parasite with poor hygiene and a frequent tendency to exploit good people for personal gain. BE WARNED She is looking for a new house to live in…