Rock ‘n’ Roll Beef Hotpot.

This meal is most suited to men and women over the age of 24 and makes an ideal table feature for winter dinner parties. It is best served with lightly spiced rice, or for the less culturally inclined, mashed potato.


1 kg of gravy beef.

2 brown onions.

3 cloves of garlic.

1 leak.

5 scrubbed potatoes.

3 sharpened carrots.

4 roma tomatoes

2 little red chillies

Paprika, black cumin seeds, wholemeal plain flour,

thyme, sea salt, cracked pepper, splash of Worcestershire sauce,

3 capfuls of red wine, dark brown sugar and balsamic vinegar.

2 tins of diced tomatoes (italian brand)

Butter made from cows.

25o-5ooml of beef stock.

Olive Oil.

What is to be done with contents:

Cut beef into large chunks (roughly the size of a hippos labia)

Poke provokative slits in chunks and penetrate with large slivers of garlic (one clove should satisfy).

Sprinkle generous puffs of flour, pap, cumin, salt, pep and thyme over a dinner plate and roll beef up, down, around and to the left making sure not to get an erection or a wide-on (wide-ons may be acceptable in some states including Canberra and South Australia).

Chop potatoes and carrots into sixths and onions, leak, chilli and  garlic finely. Melt butter in a large, ceramic-coated pot and keep the flame on a medium height.

Lightly brown coated beef (for no more than 3 minutes).

Remove Beef from pot, add more butter (about a tablespoon) and then add onion, garlic leak and chilli.

After the O, G and L has softened, add other veg and turn the fucking heat up.

When the pot starts talking, add a generous splash of WS sauce and stir like a mad cunt.

Add beef stock and continue to stir.

After a few mins, turn the fucking heat down to low flame and add the beef, tinned tomato and red, red wine and leave to simmer.

Cut roma tomatoes in to halves and place on a baking tray splashed with olive oil under gorilla face down until nearly burnt, then flip em over, wink at them and splash lightly with Bal Vin and sprinkle with brown, brown sugar and salt…grill till nearly burnt.

Add the contents of oven tray to the pot and leave to simmer for 45.

Pre heat oven till hot. Place pot in oven and leave to deliciou-afy for 3 hours.

Listen to some semi decent Rock ‘n’ Roll while you wait or, alternatively, suck a fuck…it’s totally up to you.


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